I need: 1. Financial stability 2. The ability to be in a relationship without feeling guilty for having feelings/being upset 3. A community 4. Feeling loved and nurtured, respected 5. Feeling like I am serving a purpose 6. Doing something I feel passionate about 7. emotional cleansing: getting over childhood neglect, guilt, trauma 8. Feeling like I'm being authentic I don't know what to do about Simon. I don't like that he's in Vietnam and that he's going treeplanting just a month after coming back, where i'll have to go to him because it makes more sense, where we'll just hang around in pajamas watching bad tv while he's on the computer and i feel lazy and guilty for not doing something else. Not feeling like I have any right to voice any discontent because really, what do I want from him? It's not fair for me to blame him for my lack of direction/nurturing in my life? He's good to me isn't he? I guess I make it easy on him? But do I? I was pretty sick in Vietnam and I've had so many breakdowns. But I've always let him go places. I don't know. I don't know what's fair for me to expect. Maybe he's holding up his end of the bargain. I don't feel like I deserve better. What do I deserve? Do I deserve someone who would drop the trip and come back to Toronto with me? Visit me at my dad's place? look for a job so that we can get a place in toronto together as soon as possible and give up treeplanting because i need him right now? I guess I've never had that kind of attention so I don't know if I need it or deserve it. I'm not his wife, do I want him to make these sacrifices for me? Wouldn't that make me indebted to him? Do I want to be with him? i feel like I need to be with him because I'm so poor in all areas of my life. No home, no money, no connections, no health, no job. Everything is such as mess. how did I get this way? How did I manage to ignore everything that was screaming at me? Screaming for creativity, art, love, sex, happiness, connection, nurturing. I guess I felt like I couldn't have those things, wasn't meant for those things, didn't deserve, didn't know how to seek them out, didn't know how to accept them if they were offered. All this time. I want to make money. Selling stuff on ebay, working a phone job, maybe teaching english over the phone, finding temp jobs, doing child care. I want to buy a house one day so that I have some security. I want a source of income, like a business, I want a home that generates money for me, I want savings. Passion, financial security. As for friends and a relationship...I don't know. The sexual satisfaction I can get on my own, I'm good at that. The creative aspect...making yoga routines, blogging, i want to be making some sort of art but I always feel like such a fraud and like I'm wasting money. What's the point of me painting something, for example? Do i even have the skills to make soemthing other than an experiment with technique? I have so much to catch up I don't even know where to begin. I have to hope that my body will come back into balance if I pursue these goals. That this is only temporary, that this is going to propel me somewhere authentic and amazing. that this is how it was meant to be. I want spirituality in my life. I want something I can turn to. I want to believe the universe is an incredible place, full of life forces and mysteries and incredible, unexplainable things. i want to feel connected to it all.