it's not for the better. it sucks and it's awful and it makes me want to cry. but i'm not the one who walked away.

I probably just ended my relationship. maybe it's for the better. i can't keep living a lie.

liver and onions for dinner, making roe cakes tomorrow. chicken stock being made as we write, from nothing but chicken feet. i should add some carrots and onions, i completely forgot... i feel lonely and sad despite a productive day. i wish simon would come on and talk to me, make me feel good. to do: 1.go see the urologist - benefit: a diagnosis 2. get money from bank - benefit: no longer have to carry balance on credit card 3. pay taxes (includes getting T4 from various places) - benefit: maybe get some money back, don't have to worry about it coming back to bite me 4. list things on ebay (buy boxes, take photos) - benefit: get to see if they sell, start of business 5. apply for real jobs - benefit: am getting a lot of failing out of the way 6. get happy

My body is doing weird things and I feel so out of it and I think it might be in my head but my hands feel like they're losing dexterity. Simon makes me feel unloved when he's away. I feel unworthy because of my mental health. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do to show he loves me. I don't want him to have to think of what he has to do to show me. I just want him to reach out to me and show me that he needs me in his life, despite the wonderful distractions of travelling through vietnam. Doesn't he miss me? Doesn't he wish I was there with him? Or is he just relieved to not have to think about me and be able to just have fun? Maybe. I guess that's not the hallmark of a great partner.

From reading posts on Denise Minger, Chris Masterjohn, Mark Simmons and the Weston A. Price institute websites, I can only conclude that the types of grains, meats, oils and possibly produce I've been consuming have been making me sick in various ways. What I don't yet know is what I should be including in the bulk of my diet, and whether I should address my crippling mental status with medication or a grain mill and some raw cheese and liver. Ultimately, my relationship is suffering, my body (especially my bladder) is suffering, my brain is in a constant state of fog, anxiety or depression. I am one sick pup. What I need is a bit of moderation and sanity in this journey. Despite my attempts to jump in with both feet into what I know will be an all encompassing rabbit hole of nutrition, I don't want to land in the realm of orthorexia and use food, nutrition and diet creation as a way to escape or cope with my grim reality of severe anxiety and depression, unemployment and a severely anaemic savings account. What terrifies me about pharmaceuticals is becoming numb to the realities of my body and brain. If my anxieties are due to some nutritional deficiency or contaminant, won't taking anti-depressants simply leave me more vulnerable to other diseases and conditions? What if my mental state is somehow linked to my poor bladder health? Nevertheless, it's possible that nutritional changes won't be enough to bring me into a functional state. A very real possibility evinced by the existence of crippling depression throughout the ages, even in populations of healthy, robust people. Correcting, or at least attempting to correct this imbalance is something I will have to do. Just like supplementing with bladder ease has helped my symptoms, perhaps supplementing with Effexor or whatever kind of drug this doctor decides to prescribe me will be benefitial in the long run. In other news, my relationships is a disaster. Now being able to be with Simon has put me in perpetual defence mode, past passive aggression and part mopey, whiney, boring girlfriend who doesn't want to talk on Skype. It's a mess, really. I keep thinking he doesn't love me, isn't thinking about me, isn't professing his love for me enough, isn't doing any of the things I feel like he should be doing. And then I inevitably go back to blaming myself, shaming myself, and all around loathing my very conspicuous lack of a life in absence of aimless travel and perennial unemployment (I was "finding myself!" I scream...) Long distance relationships are difficult, insecurities abound when one is unemployed and generally unwell. The beaches and forests of Vietnam provide ample distraction and care free fun times for a boyfriend who for the past six months has been mired in his girlfriend's intractable mental and pelvic pain. It's hard. It's a tough little pickle we're both in, isn't it?

Foods I feel are good for me: yams greens salad peppers squash water chestnuts carrots cauliflower broccoli fish shrimp apples blueberries almond milk coconut milk beets celery lots of soup, salad, fish, fruit

Women's math conference today...would be so great if I were here in life. What do I need: I need to be involved in something outdoorsy. I wouldn't matter if the hike I went on was 2 miles from my house instead of on the other side of the world. Exercise. I don't think I can do this without help from medication. Maybe I could but what might I be losing out on? I might be losing out on several months of productivity. Months of thinking clearly. I'll do it. I have to know that I'm going to heal. I'm not going to resign myself to doctors. I have to learn that they really don't understand the complexity of the issue and neither do I. I don't want any nocebo effect. I'll start selling things on ebay.